THE CONSEQUENCE — Of “Medically” Numbing The Voice Out Of A Human Being.

Reflection from September 9th, 2013 @ Age 32


I don’t know what’s the matter with me.  I just feel sad, kind of depressed but numb about it—and like I don’t feel like doing anything other than laying here in bed, ordering clothes online from Revolve and Anthropologie.  I’ve put about $900 on my credit card between yesterday and today.  I guess it is the one year anniversary of the day I moved out from my mean-ass ex-husband’s house.  It’s haunting me.  And I’ve taken about 15 million Ritalin today and I’m not quite sure how it’s possible even, that I’ve not yet had a heart attack as a result.  I’m just waiting.

I feel so fucking sad.  But it’s so hard to explain, because it’s like I do feel numb about it at the same time.  But not numb enough to stop me from internet shopping for clothes.  Sigh.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  Come off the meds I guess.  Hah!  I can’t really tell how that’s going to help with this scenario—but maybe when I’m off the meds, if I feel sad, I’ll just have a good cry and watch a sad movie, then talk to a good friend on the phone for awhile and then not be sad anymore.  Or, I may slit my wrists.  It’s so hard to tell.

I love this picture of my niece that Andy posted to Facebook, this picture of her so fucking happy in her first dance leotard.  She looks so much like me in it too, and not just ‘cause of the pink leotard.  Not her eyebrows—those are round and must be Rachel’s or maybe even Andy’s, I don’t know; I can’t remember their eyebrows, now that I think of it.  But everything else, man.  She just looks just like me when I was that age.  Light brown fine golden hair, big smile with big cheeks, cute button nose, big eyes—except she’s not shy, and she’s not mentally ill either.

I don’t really know what to say about how I am feeling right now.  It’s uncomfortable; is that of any help?  It feels uncomfortable, but maybe sadly uncomfortably numb?  No, that’s not right…hmm, let’s see…let me think for a moment…

I feel as though I’m teetering on the edge of a cliff and either I’m about to fly and all my dreams are going to come true, or I’m going to drop—and, I don’t know what then.  I want to say I’m terrified—but I’m not.  I’m pretty sure I’m sad, but then I don’t know why I would feel this numbness about it at the same time.  I feel like everyone hates me.  Jen included.  Oh yes…

So, Jen posted an article on her Facebook page apparently yesterday (well…keep reading…) written by a mother who is pregnant with twins after doing in vitro fertilization, apparently on two viable and healthy eggs—which it turns out, both got fertilized.  So now she’s preggos with twins, which she did not want, because she is afraid she and her husband won’t have enough money to provide for the three children as they would if there were only to be two (and specifically mentioning, the cost of a college education).

So anyways, this handful of fucking bitches on Jen’s Facebook page start going on and on (apparently this all happened yesterday—I just saw it today, however) about their little fucking pious judgments coming from their little fucking pious closed-minded heads.  It made me angry, but—my anger was misplaced.

Jen does not need anyone to protect her.  Jen is a big girl.  She can make up her own mind.  It just kills me though, to hear her lie through her teeth—saying someone must have hacked into her Facebook profile and posted that article on there for her, because she sure didn’t and surely implied no opinion about it either way.  These are all her lovely air-force “wife” friends.

Anyways, one sec and then I’ll tell you my response…

D has to go potty, one sec…


Well, I talked to mom and I feel better.  I mean not really, but kind of I guess.  I don’t know what else to say.