ON FAIRYTALES — Believing In Heroine As Requisite.

Reflection from October 22nd, 2005 @ Age 24


Almost another year gone.  Another Christmas alone.  Another New Years with nothing to do and no one to kiss.

I’ve been having a rough time lately and it seems as though every time that happens some guy pops into my head and I actually lead myself to believe that if I could just find him, if we could just be together—then everything would be alright with the world.  What a fairytale!  And you know I honestly am sitting here by myself of course, and I can’t quite decide what to believe in.  I don’t even know if it matters.  My god it’s everything-means-nothing or nothing-means-everything, but I haven’t a clue which is which. 

Dan Cook I’m thinking about today.  Ahh I loved that boy.  He was so nice and he made me laugh and he was just creative and out of the ordinary.  I remember when we sat next to each other senior year in high school (damn…so now’s about the time I wish I didn’t throw all those old year books away!) in that ridiculous AP Physics class.  With that evil professor who had us play with shit all day in the classes and then expected us to know like, actual physics stuff for the test!  What a clown!  You can’t just do that and expect people to learn anything!

Well anyways, I sat next to Dan and we used to laugh and talk and play and it was so much fun.  He was just so cuddly it seemed—I just wanted to love him all over.  But you know that was fall of 1998 which was seven years ago.  And you know what, one day we were playing and somehow I broke this mirror we were supposed to use in our science stuff.  Seven years.  And I just happened to think of him today.   

Pretty curious if you ask me.  See, it’s the everything-means-nothing or nothing-means-everything thing again.  Has the seven year curse been broken and will my Daniel Edward Cook knight-in-shining-armor come for me so we can live happily ever after?  And make beautiful lit-tle Dan and Marissa babies together and raise a home full of love and acceptance?  Or am I pathetic (I hate that word!) with too much time on my hands because I’m a recluse with mental disorders?

See how it works?  I just don’t know.  I want it so much to be the former, I fear the latter and I think in the back of my mind I’m prolly just somewhere in between.  Just like everything in this world.  People are so complicated and different.  I don’t see why they have to rank us and group us and label us.  I don’t know what life means.