Reflection from November 15th, 2008 @ Age 27
RE: LEARNING THAT BEAUTY EXISTS IN THE COLOR, BEYOND THE GRAY.
I hate everyday at work I have a reminder in the parking lot of the stupid fucking move I pulled, pulling forward while backing into a space, hitting the car in front of me. Ohh and then there was my doing the not “right” thing and getting caught in the act with my pants down. I have a daily reminder, this other car out in the parking lot. My mom told me that people ding other people’s cars in parking lots all the time. Well most of those people didn’t ding someone else’s car in the parking lot where they happen to work everyday. Most witnesses would have a make and a model and not a whole helluva lot more to go from. Ahh well, what’s one more stupid indiscretion. It seems I have many moments where I’m just “not thinking” these days. It really frustrates the hell out of me.
I don’t much feel like writing but I do want to say, some guy Paul knows came into the office today and said to Paul, “I don’t know how you get any work done working with someone as beautiful as [me] around all day long.” Sometimes I just have to laugh when people surprise me once more with these types of comments, because I don’t feel beautiful most of the time. In fact, I don’t even feel pretty most of the time, and that’s a much lesser standard even. I just wonder why the way that I feel and the way that things seem to be are so out of conjunction.
I asked my mom tonight, I said, “if one doctor knew of another doctor who was going to shred someone’s medical records, wouldn’t that doctor have a duty to report the doctor with the indiscretion?” And she said, “well, maybe there would be a duty, but sometimes people do things for friends, and sometimes people do things because there are extenuating circumstances.” All these gray areas between truth and falsity. They’re so interesting, all these gray areas that fall outside the boxes.