Reflection from November 16th, 2008 @ Age 27


Man, I went swimming at the gym today for about 45 minutes (taking numerous long winded breaks in between laps of course) and I feel like I ran a marathon or something!  I’m absolutely exhausted!

I went over to John’s last night and it was pretty fun.  We went grocery shopping and I cooked this spaghetti squash and homemade tomato sauce for John and April, and I brought them cookies which were delicious of which we ate many, we had some wine, talked a lot and just generally had a really good time.  Or at least I did anyways.  Well, I was talking to April outside when we were having a cigarette in John’s garage and I ended up telling her about Dave and how I loved him even though he was a real jackass sometimes and she was so very nice about it all.  She said we can’t help who we love and that you can’t go back and say I wish I did this and I wish I did that because nothing can be changed and you can’t beat yourself up like that.  Well anyways, I told her that he’s the reason why I got this Star of David on my foot and she said that was interesting because John knew I had it on my foot, but didn’t really know why.  And that got me to start thinking about how I don’t regret that I got it on my foot because I love all my tattoos dearly, but sometimes it doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense even to me as to why I got it.  The universe was just so clear then, it seemed like such a brilliant and inspired idea at the time.  These things happen as we grow up, we do things now we wouldn’t do in a million years a few years down the road.  But this is different, not only because this Star is very visible on my body, but also because I don’t want to fall into the confusion as to why I got the damn thing in the first place. 

I got this Star of David on my foot because I missed Dave and never wanted to forget him.  I know we were never close friends, and I hadn’t spoken to the boy in years, but sometimes I think the idea is not so much who that person was as it is what that person did for you.  Now Dave could be a real douchebag, don’t get me wrong.  Nothing will ever change that.  But I loved that boy so passionately for so long and that is important, because there are few other things in my entire life that I ever felt so damn passionate about.  I think the idea is more that Dave brought out this enormous capacity to love within myself, this capacity for forgiveness, and in that sense I don’t know that I’ll ever repay him.  What I gained from my relationship was mostly what I had already had with me all the time, but he was the one who drew it out of me in the first place, and for that I will always be grateful.

I don’t know why, but I loved that boy with all my might for a long, very long time.  What strikes me as important too, is that I hardly remember much from my middle school and high school years, but I remember almost every encounter that Dave and I ever had.  It’s not often we can recall with such clarity the ferocity of life we enveloped at one point in our youth, so very long ago.  Like I said, I don’t know why I loved him so, but I loved Dave with every fiber of my being for probably the entirety of my life.  I loved him still, even after I had to let him go.  A love like that is worth commemorating.  So while it may be difficult to explain without going into some great detail, I never want to forget why I bear this Star of David upon my body.  We have few great loves throughout our lives, and Dave will always and forever be my very first.