Reflection from August 27th, 2008 @ Age 27
RE: THE FEAR ASSOCIATED WITH VISION, BEFORE YOU’VE LEARNED HOW TO *CHANGE* A VISION — *PRIOR* TO ITS REALIZATION WITHIN THE SPACETIME CONTINUUM.
I emailed JenJen today and told her about all my problems I’ve been having, with being around people who remind me of all the fulfilling things there are in life of which I still yet, do not have. I told her I know it may sound a bit selfish, but it’s just the way that I feel—and it’s difficult when you want more for yourself than what you already have (i.e. friends, significant others, vacations, freedom, etc.) and it just keeps getting rubbed in your face, that you still must do without. I said I don’t know that I have enough to get by. That mostly has to do, I think, with my lack of human contact—especially with people my own age. But I do always have Judy, thank god, to commiserate with. It seems she’s the only one in my life right now that shares my passion against all the inequality in the world (mostly, of the socioeconomic sort). Anyways, I also told Jen about all the trouble I’ve been having trying to come up with funds for all these different, necessary expenses. I also told her I wish I could come visit her and Bella but, all my extra money is going towards helping to pay for my prescriptions. So I do wonder what she’ll think about all of that. I wonder if she’ll even write or call back. I just have this feeling that she’s not going to understand where it is, I’m coming from. I guess you can’t win them all over though. At least I tried being honest with someone I hope I can trust—someone who will hopefully know enough to just be supportive of me throughout this difficult time. I hope she doesn’t think I’m crazy. I feel a little crazy these days.
I also emailed Bobby one last time—I told him that I am very sorry for hurting him so deeply in college and, I hope that he can forgive me someday and that I hope he doesn’t have to carry around this burden for all of his days. The douchebag hasn’t written back and I doubt he ever will again. I have a feeling he really thinks I’m crazy now—but if he had no idea before, then that just goes to show you how we never really did have any kind of friendship at all. It’s sad that I have to feel like I’m crazy after I share “my truth” with other people. I’ve tried with Bobby and look how well that went. He just up and quit emailing me, and I knew it was coming. It was only a matter of time. That’s just what I told you isn’t it? That one day I feared he would just up and stop emailing me. Well now it’s the truth. It’s the fact of the matter. Which makes me all the more interested to see how Jen reacts to my blatant honesty. I’m learning in general that people don’t tend to react well to my blatant honesty when it comes to what I fundamentally represent. I don’t know, I don’t know what I’m talking about here really except to say—I’ve shared of myself intimately with others now, and it makes me feel like I’m a goddamn looney. But, what can you do I guess?
Well, I’m going to be meeting with Klodiana—Rachel’s friend who just took the bar exam. She’s gonna tell me everything she knows about the exam and she’s also gonna give me her outlines (or, so she said in her email). So, I hope that helps me get a better view of what I’m about to partake in here. I could use a little perspective. And I did want to mention that I think I’m actually going to attend some of my BARBRI lectures just to see who all is enrolled. Maybe there will be some hot guys or at least some nice people that maybe I can interact with a little. Maybe I could find a study partner or something, you know? I mean, I know the odds are against me, but what the hell. I might as well try, right? Well anyways, speaking of the bar—back to studying I go…
This fucking blows!