ON THE HEART OF IT ALL — A Microcosm For **America** ;0)

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Reflection from November 3rd, 2012 @ Age 31

RE:  RISING UP OUT OF THE WEEDS, & BRINGING THE REST *WITH* ME ;oD

I’m finally watching the start of my favorite TV shows for this fall season.  It took about a month and a half to get my stupid Time Warner Cable DVR up and running (since their customer service is atrocious!).  And now I’m watching these shows and I really have to concentrate from getting angry with Adam.  He, of course, had our old DVR with the list of all my favorite shows.  And of course, although he was the one that made me leave—he didn’t have the decency to email me the list of shows like I’d asked.  Probably because he’s emotionally retarded and can’t seem to feel more than one feeling at once—but that is neither here nor there, the important thing is that I’m no longer with him and okay with that.  But just at the start, the first shows that I’m watching—it’s so easy to get angry that I missed so many episodes even just this far of my favorite shows, but I know the most important thing is that I’m all set up to move forward and be happy.  And the DVR, well, my DVR is all programed with my favorite shows (or at least, all that I could think of from a quick review of TV Guide)—so moving forward, I can look forward to some really wonderful a’TV watchin’.

No really though, I think it’s just because it’s the first time.  Soon I will forget what I missed, and forget him too—and then I will really be able to move on.  Take those scissors Maris, and you cut those ties one by one.  I am cutting our ties—one by one.

Later

I feel bad for him, in a way.  When he’s sleeping in that bed alone this Christmas—family, but no wife, no puppy, no Mariah Carey or Merry Mixmas or Justin Bieber playing on the radio, he’s gonna miss me.  And that’s when he’ll know what he’s missing—and that’s when his family won’t be capable of comforting him.  They may be wealthy in money, but they are poor in love.  I’ve never seen a family so poor in love.  It’s sad, really.

I don’t know if I’ve told you my theory yet, so I will (perhaps, again) now.  Adam’s mom, and Adam himself, always used to talk about this long, long streak of good luck he’s had.  All through his life, he’s had the streak—and I feel sorry for him now.  Now that God (or the higher being, in any case) has transferred that luck to me, I’m not sure what he’ll do.  I’m not sure how he’ll get along, especially without me.  But that is, neither here nor there.  He is not my business any longer, he is not my burden.  I am lucky—for that, I am. 

So, I don’t know how his health will pan out, but it is no longer my problem to deal with.  I take care of myself now.

On that note, I would like to say this:

This is the time for dreaming ;0)  This is the time! 

This is the time when my future remains unknown, almost entirely.  With the exception of my family being around and supportive of me, and my being around and supportive of them (all alive, God willing of course)—I know not who will in fact, be the love of my life.  I do not know who he will be, what he will be like, what he will like and dislike, what our babies will look like, where our family will live (in Columbus, of course).  All that I know is that he will treat me like the Queen that I am—and he will be the nicest, kindest, most generous and gentlemanly man I’ve ever met in my life.  He will be a man too, my man!  And I cannot wait!  But I know, now, there will never be another time in my life like this time.  This is the time for dreaming.  And what could be better than that!?!!

Later

It’s amazing how much thinking you can get done, when you finally get around to doing your ironing!  Oof…forgot what I was going to say!  I’ll be back as soon as I recall it…

Later

Ahh yes!  I was all worried about losing Adam’s friend Nicole, you know?  But now that I think about it, who really wants to be friends with a Republican anyway?  ;0)

I’ve gained a far, far greater friend than Nicole—being Lainey.  John’s Lainey!  Yep!  It’s true!

It’s pretty amazing, we’ll see if it lasts—but she’s been, different lately.  Maybe it’s all in my mind, but I really do believe that in seeing how horrible Adam was to me—it kind of made all the things he bought me irrelevant.  As she’s said recently (or maybe I’ve just thought of it ;0), she said John would be there no matter what—regardless of anything, he would be there for her.  And I think she now pays deference to that—greatly, greatly respects it.  And it’s wonderful.

So I do think that has brought us together.  We met for dinner two Wednesdays back and have it on the calendar for this Wednesday as well.  I’ve shared numerous entries with her for her review and commentary, and she’s going to let me take a look at her career search stuff—and she even asked me if I wanted to see her pics back from her high school era, back before her first love passed away.  I was honored.

So, like I said, we’ll see if it lasts.  But it sure is wonderful in the meantime, at the very least (and I think, for the record, it’s so much more than that).

Later

Honestly, if you really want to know the truth—I thought his anger issues would go away after the lung transplant.  His dad was as nice as could be at the time, his mom would cry with emotion and was so grateful to me and said as much, Adam’s grandpa had not yet shot the dog and himself in the heart in front of his wife yet—and I thought Adam was just angry because he had an illness that had been slowly killing him and never thought he had a chance until me, and that he was scared.

I had no idea things would turn out the way they did—so opposite even, than the way things were where we once began.  I don’t really know what to think about it, say or even how to process that right now.  But it’s the truth, so I thought, might as well write it on down.