ON LEARNING — To Walk Through Fire.

Reflection from November 20th, 2008 @ Age 27

RE:  THE MOTHER OF *BOTH* HOUSES.

I don’t know.  Maybe Brad and Angelina were supposed to be together.  And maybe he’s even a great Dad.  I don’t think anyone’s disputing those conjectures.  But that doesn’t take away the fact that he did a horrible, horrible thing to another human being.  He left his wife, someone he was supposed to cherish till the day that he died, for another woman.  And not only did he leave her for another woman, he left her for a younger, prettier, more successful woman.  He was supposed to care for Jen in sickness and in health, he was supposed to care about her feelings and validate her fears and her woes, and what does he do?  He goes out and starts cheatin’ around on her instead.  I don’t care if they didn’t have sex before the divorce, they were still holding hands on the set just waiting for the day to come, when every night Brad was supposed to go home to Jen.  He allowed himself to become emotionally entangled with another woman, and he left Jen with her fears and her feelings high and dry, pausing not even to say goodbye.  He was already gone.  So maybe he is a great dad and maybe he is great with his new woman, but that doesn’t change the fact that he did a reprehensible wrong to another human being.  I never really liked him all that well anyways.  Always changing his chameleon ways with every new chick he hits up.  Blechh.  He pushed me over.

But then again, when I think about it, aren’t we all deserving of a little forgiveness in our lives?  Haven’t we all, at one time or another, done a wrong to another human being?  Maybe some are worse than others, but I think the only thing one can do to move on is to forgive.  So I’ll cut him some slack because I know I’ll be looking for forgiveness one day or another and I hope the notion will return to me.  But let’s just say, he’s lucky his new woman does so much charity work or she’d really be a reprehensible bitch herself.

But then again, who am I to judge?  You know April looks just like her?  It’s uncanny.  I feel like I should erase this whole damn page, because honestly, who am I to judge?  But I think I’m allowed to have an opinion.  You know I’m just jealous of Angelina because she gets to be so damn happy and so beautiful and she gets to be a mom and do whatever she damn well pleases for the rest of her life.  Unless Brad dies, then she wouldn’t be so happy anymore.  It’s sick, almost unbearable to see people who are so happy when you’ve worked hard all your life to be happy and came up wanting.  I really oughta let other people be though.  If I could only not think about it then I would be good to go.  I’d have to give up most of my family and all my best friends then though, which clearly isn’t an option.  And so I sludge on.

Later

Ugh.  Now I feel like such an icky person for writing what I did above, but I won’t erase it because it’s been on my mind all day.  Or at least the reprehensible part.  I feel like such a bad person for acting out on my feelings of jealousy by calling Angelina a bitch.  It makes me feel so terrible inside.  And the most untenable part about being in this position is that it hurts if you do, and it hurts if you don’t.  If I act out on my feelings of jealously and anger then I feel icky and bad and it’s hard to live with myself.  But if I hide my feelings of jealousy and anger then I’m really not being honest with myself.  It just hurts either way.  I know life’s not supposed to be fair and all, but I don’t understand why it has to hurt so much of the time.  It’s just really hard to be happy for happy people when you aren’t happy yourself and you’re not sure you’ll ever really be happy at all in your life.  Wanting isn’t enough.  I’ve wanted to be happy for a long time.  I’ve kept my head held up high and trudged forward and it feels like it was all for nothing.  Why does it have to hurt to be happy for others and hurt to be not happy for others?  Why do I constantly find myself in this unbearable situation?  How long is it going to last already?

My head feels dizzy and I have no clothes to pack for my trip to Stacey’s this weekend.  I hate when that happens!