ON LIVING OUT — The Derivative Meaning of Life’s Challenges.

Reflection from January 6th, 2009 @ Age 27


From the moment I wake up, I count the days away.  I count down the time at work, then I count down the time listening to lectures, then I count down the time working out, then I count down the time listening to more lectures.  Throw a shower and some food in there and that’s my life.  That’s my pitiful life.  And the only chance at the moment I have for any excitement is with retard Matt who doesn’t even seem interested in me anymore.  I swear to god that pisses me off more than most things, when you sleep with a guy and then they lose interest.  When they respond at your beck and call and then you sleep with them and then become the beck and call.  I made a big mistake here and I know I did.  Most importantly not wearing the condom.  I got my period today so I don’t have any worries about being preggers but I still need to get tested for all STDs and I have to wait to do that because I don’t know how much it’s going to cost, no one can tell me, I don’t know how much insurance will pay for it in the first instance, and I have only the money that I’ve saved up for emergencies for January and February while I’m studying for the bar.  So I must wait and just hope to god I don’t have an STD or the HPV.

So anyways, I got summoned for a bar interview.  It’s at the very last minute this Monday and I spoke with the attorney who’s hosting me today and she said they’re pretty routine unless drugs and alcohol are involved.  Just my luck.  I bet she has no idea what bipolar is either, which should be a great help.  I honestly don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do if they make me do a hearing.  There’s absolutely no reason at all why they should make me do the hearing, and making me do so would really pretty much constitute harassment.  But they can do it.  If they want, they can put me through that and forget about studying for the fucking bar exam.  Why did they have to wait until the very last minute to take care of all of this?  Why do I have to go through all of this? 


I just wonder if he thinks I’m no longer good enough for him because he fucked me over after two weeks.  I wonder if he’s busy fucking his ex-girlfriend or his up and coming roommate Jen.  I wonder if he’s out getting into bar fights or gambling on his pool game.  I wonder if he’s still working.  I wonder if he’s no longer interested in me.  I wonder if he thinks of me.  I wonder if he’s planning on doing something really sweet for me.  I wonder if he’s out of money and is ashamed to say so.  I wonder if he thought I was out of his league and his interest is now waned because he’s “had” me.  I wonder I wonder I wonder.  And this is such a distraction from studying!  And part of me loves it because at least I have some semblance of a normal life if I’m dating somebody.  It was so much fun going out with him those first two weeks and now he doesn’t even call.  Now he doesn’t even fucking call.  And here I am, completely distracted and he couldn’t care less.  At least that’s how it feels.  I am no longer special.  I’m just something that’s been had.  I no longer shine; I’m just dusty and decrepit.  I’m the Christmas toy that’s already been tossed aside for something more new, something more fun.

I’m nervous as hell for this interview because if it doesn’t go well and I have to do a hearing I don’t know how I’m going to afford counsel.  I wish I didn’t feel so all alone in this struggle.  In all these struggles, I wish I didn’t feel so all alone.  I have wonderful family surrounding me, and wonderful friends too, but somehow, like death, through these struggles I am inevitably alone.