Reflection from June 13th, 2005 @ Age 23
RE: HOW THE DESIRE TO HELP OTHERS CAN TURN DEADLY WHEN LACED WITH SELFISH REASONING.
I’m not feeling so hot right now. I’m very angry with this whole stupid Aaron thing. It’s partly my fault, I know. I know I was playing with fire. I just didn’t take the time to figure out—I was playing with someone else’s bad intentions, as well.
If that asshole dated someone in the program before and knew he didn’t want any type of relationship, why’d he even bother fucking talking to me? Why’d he agree to come over here? Why’d he stay until fucking 6am? Why didn’t he just leave when he knew he wanted nothing and I wanted something? Why didn’t I kick the motherfucker out? Why do I choose to believe in these sick delusions I create in my mind?
I feel ignored by him. I feel like I want to fucking slap him with a jagged ring on. And the worst part is, if he called me up—I think I’d feel just as elated all over again. God, please help protect me from myself. Please help me to find a way to live in the present, in reality—and not get carried off into my sick delusional mind. Please protect me from the devil.
I feel like I need someone who can be emotionally available to me, and who has time they want to spend with me. A mentor or something. I feel lonely and angry and foolish. I feel like I want to scream.
God please help me figure out how to protect myself from myself. My sick self. Thank you for all you’ve given me and provided for me today. I hope I was of at least some service to you in my sick state of mind. Please help me to find your way and your will. I want to be with you so I never have to be alone. I want to know self-worth. I want to feel loved.