Reflection from February 25th, 2008 @ Age 26
RE: THE HEARTBREAK CAUSED BY SOCIETY’S STIGMATIC HATRED AGAINST THE “MENTALLY-ILL”.
Alright, this is the last time I’m writing until I’ve slept through the goddamn night, gone to work and come home. I’m getting really irritated that I can’t sleep, and even more irritated that I keep coming over to the goddamn couch and opening up my computer and opening my Word file just to type some more goddamn crazy thoughts.
I just wanted to mention, for fear I did not already mention above, that I feel completely embarrassed and humiliated with the things that I think—the thoughts I’ve portrayed through my writing. I remember my Dr. Angelo told me, after I’d told him how devastating it was to feel the way I do, he said, “it’s not your fault, you know that don’t you?” And I said “yes, yes I know,” but I didn’t say the following — just because this mess isn’t my fault doesn’t mean that I’m not the only one who alone, must deal with the consequences stemming from it.
When it comes down to it, the illness, no—having the illness is not my fault; the problem, though, is that all the consequences stemming from this bipolar disorder are my problems alone. In this, I am alone. And I am embarrassed, and I feel humiliated, I feel crazy, and more than anything else, I just feel alone. I feel that I’m best off alone because it would be selfish and cruel to subject anyone else to the likes of me. And I don’t know, after reading all these crazy thoughts I have, these crazy actions I’ve taken—I don’t know how anyone else could feel any different.
So, that line of thinking may have something to do with the reason I keep coming back to wanting to kill myself. I’m pretty sure I’d be willing to bet Gordon’s never thought of this kind of circumstance when he considers the possible reasons why people end up killing themselves. The problem, people fail to see, starts way before any of the resulting consequences. The consequences are our fault, but the origin creating the method by which the consequences are stemming has involuntarily been cast upon us. Now if that’s not goddamn bad luck, I don’t know what is. I don’t feel so goddamn lucky now.
Okay, that’s it Maris. Whatever else you think of will just have to wait. If it’s really important, you will not forget it (or so I hope).