REFLECTION FROM FEBRUARY 2ND, 2011**
Re: When the Docs Won’t Listen — The Goal is not to be Numb, Numbness does not Sustain in the Long Run…
WRITTEN 2/2/2011 @ AGE 29
I haven’t written in a long while and truth be told, I don’t feel like writing right now either. Or, well, I do. But I don’t. And so the world turns on.
I’m not sure what holds me back. Same thing that used to I suppose, that I’m afraid what I write won’t be good enough. That I’ll sound stupid. That what I have to say isn’t going to sound worthwhile to anyone who may read it, or that I am not going to accurately be able to express how I am feeling. I feel so many things I want to say are so cliché, it’s curious whether I should even say them at all. Even if it is the truth, how I am feeling. But that is all irrelevant. I want to finish my book, I want to keep a record of myself for my children and others, I want to accomplish the purposes for which I am writing. Not fear that the end result will not stand tall enough to be worth creating in the first place. Good is always worth creating. Whether it turns out well or not, good intention and positive thought are always worth pursuing. (I think…)
So on that note, I’ll work into the details. October 9, 2010 Cooper and I were married. I am totally bummed out I don’t have journals from that time because even now, only four short months later, I wonder what I was thinking on that day. As I recall, well…I can’t recall. I could only tell you how I was feeling, and even that is a long shot beyond generalities. Anyway, on October 28, 2010 Cooper got his lung transplant. It went well. He was in Pittsburgh recovering for two months following, then home for two weeks, and now he’s back again but doing okay – better than okay, and the rest is a long story for another time. I wish I had journals from that too. And finally, on October 29, 2010, I found out I passed the bar exam. I got a $24,000 raise at work, to be bumped up by $5,000 more a year in May as well.
That’s the gist of it all. It’s so anticlimactic now. It’s just a recount now. I wish I would have been writing journals all along, but I will put that wish to bed now that I’ve expressed it fully. I am here, now, and I will write on. Not to worry about the past. Except to learn from it.
And so today, there is ice everywhere outside, the power is out at work, and I am sitting at home by myself in my gray living room. The sun is not out and has not been out for days, but it is on its way. There is a 20% off everything sale at Voodoo Denim and I cannot make it there because of the weather. It goes until tomorrow so I will try to go then and hopefully find a few new shirts or something to wear.
I decided I’m doing a horrible job of keeping up with my style. I’m so boring. Or I portray myself in a boring manner better said. It’s hard to not do so without money to spend on buying all new things. But I have some good basics to work off of, and some fun new summer clothes that I bought for Maui when I thought Cooper and I were going to elope there last year. I’m going to work on it.
I am fat. I weigh 145 pounds right now. It disgusts me, but I can’t seem to find the motivation to do anything about it. I am good for a few days and then I eat like a piggy again, so I am working on that.
I am also working on the website for Gordon. We’re (i.e. I’m) putting together a website for our law firm and it’s one of the most challenging projects I’ve worked on in a while as far as work goes. It’s very involved and time consuming, but I think it will be rewarding in the end and awesome as all hell to have a live website that I created. That’s what I should be working on right now, but I decided I should write instead while I’m feeling motivated.
I’m so sorry. I feel like my writing is so bland. It’s so much more interesting when I’m in a fit of passion, of which I am clearly not, right now. I am blah right now. I have been blah for days. I don’t feel like doing anything except sitting on the couch, eating, web surfing and watching Dear Genevieve on HGTV. I think it’s the weather, but I’m hoping that’s only it. I don’t want to change around my medications because my psychiatrist doesn’t believe me when I say the mood stabilizers make me tired as all hell. But they do. Same thing with my old psychiatrist, she didn’t believe me when I said they make me tired. But they do. But at least I have the ADD meds now. Those help tremendously. If only they would last all day. But at least I get a good 8 hours of focus in. Better than nothing.
Ohh how I hate writing bland words… I really apologize to anyone who may ever read this. That was one of (the few) great things about the highs and lows – ohh how the inspiration would flow! Now I am bland. I am bland, but I am happy. And I am working on an even greater happiness as we speak. So I guess that’s not nothing. It’s something, I should say. Or could say.
So, other than that, Cooper is in Pittsburgh again for an anti-rejection treatment because he still has mild rejection in his left lung. They are giving him morphine to calm the uncomfortable nature of the treatment. I don’t know how he deals with all of these treatments – I would be horrible at it. To start, anyways. Anyways…
I have a baby niece who is due in less than two months. I already bought her the cutest clothes and I simply cannot wait to meet her. I wonder what she will look like…
I can’t wait to be a mom myself, though I can, at the same time. I know I’m not ready yet, but I am greatly looking forward to the day it happens. I will enjoy the time in between, my freedom, my alone time with Cooper, etc. But ohh boy will that be some day, the day when it finally comes…
Okay, I think that’s enough for now. I apologize once more for the blandness of my writing, although I will not again. Hopefully things will get a bit more exciting, or I will become a bit more inspired better yet. We shall see. We shall see.
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