REFLECTION FROM OCTOBER 3RD, 2007**
WRITTEN – 10/3/2007 @ AGE 26
I’m remembering now the look of disdain in Lainey’s eyes when I told her my tattoo was on my lower back. Like my decision to put it there was fallacious because many others have also thereupon placed their tattoos. Unlike Lainey, who is notably “different” because her tattoo covers her entire back. This happening disturbs me for some reason, but I’m presently not sure why. I feel denounced and in feeling so, my initial inclination is to dislike Lainey. But something tells me that in her need to be “different”, she is really just in some sort of pain. Some sort of emotional pain, but to guess would be pure conjecture and plus I don’t think she’d like me writing about it. It’s just a curious incident, it was.
I met with a new therapist yesterday here in town and it was no good. I got a feeling from this therapist that she was all-knowing which I did not like. Plus she asked me if I could wake up tomorrow with anything, what would I have? And I asked her to clarify and upon doing so she said, “you know, if I could wake up tomorrow and have anything I’d be 5’8” with big blonde hair.” Something just told me it was not a good match. And so I will move on to trying the next.
It was interesting though, after meeting with that woman yesterday I found that I really missed Vicki. I don’t know that she can ever be satisfactorily replaced, but I need someone to help me here and she’s simply not. Sometimes I feel like I let her down in my decisions to start using again, but I also think it’s important that we allow others space to learn and heal in their own good time. I can see how it would have been a very difficult position in which she had to stand. But there were things I needed yet to learn and to experience before taking my next step.
Sometimes it seems like I just made a big mess out of my life when I could of just listened to others and made it much easier on myself. But what good is blind faith when we can’t even understand why we do what we do? I think, in my search for truth, it is necessary to question and to figure out why I believe in what I do. I see no other solid foundation for personal growth. So I can’t say I am sorry for what I did. There were things yet I needed to learn, and blind faith has no standing in my religion.
So anyways, I destroyed, completely shattered my beautiful Claire Simone glass bowl, and decided once more I am done with illegal drugs and alcohol. This was last weekend, no two weekends ago now, and today after work I’m going to a 2pm meeting. We’ll see what happens!
It worries me that I won’t be able to keep my promise to myself that I won’t subject myself anymore to the ill-affects these substances have on me. I feel at times like I need to know right now the entire plan mapped out of my life in order to make that decision. But then I also feel like abstaining today, right now, is enough, and to worry about tomorrow, well…tomorrow. Because I may not even get to tomorrow, so really, what’s the sense in worrying about it now? Today I will handle today, and tomorrow god-willing, I will handle tomorrow.
Ohh boy I’m feeling super low right now. Ironically it’s the first day I’ve been to an AA meeting in a month or so. I took my little paper to get it signed for the Supreme Court, but realized at the meeting I forgot to put a place in the chart for a signature! Oops! They gave me a free big book, which was really nice because I have the 12-step book but no big book anymore. It’s a really nice leather bound edition too, or faux-leather bound…anyways, it was a really nice gesture. I think I’ll keep it this time, and maybe even read the whole damn book this time too. It was very depressing to be there again though, this time knowing that I am no longer drinking or smoking too. I am just overwhelmed I suppose, but I will not lie…I wanted to feel the whole time that I did not belong there. I wanted to feel better than the others there, like I am not broken as they are. But I am. I am broken in the same way. And it got me to thinking about Dave (again), go figure.
It got me to thinking about how Dave might have thought he was better than the people in AA because he was handsome, or smart, or went to some of the best schools in the country, or because his parents were doctors, or because he was going to be a doctor. Any reason really, to keep him from having to associate. And then I think where that led him, not only because he had reportedly been drinking the night he fell to his death, but also because as long as I’ve known him, he’s been a heavy drinker. For as long as I’ve known him and especially throughout college with all those fraternity and sporting events and whatnot. I remember him telling me how they all would dress up to go to their school’s football games and just get hammered. And except when I was with him alone, or when we were in school of course, Dave was always drinking. Always drinking, and look what happened.
I don’t know, it seems very speculative to even be thinking this, I almost feel like I am denouncing the dead. But then again, from what I know, which admittedly is not much but most definitely more than none, Dave was always a heavy drinker. And I can’t imagine it got any easier for him as he moved up in years. I can’t imagine what might have intervened to stop the cycle. And you know they always say – doctors and lawyers make up the rooms of AA more so than any other professions.
So anyways, I was trying to use that thought process today to help me to be more willing and open to the process of giving these substances up for life. And I will tell you, from where I am standing, and I’ll admit it’s a good position to be in, an excellent one really, from many if not most standpoints, but I’ll tell you what, I am frightened as hell because I don’t know what is going to happen with my life and the uncertainty is really getting to me.
It’s difficult to not think about and worry about the future. Especially when it is so not mapped out for you like it always used to be. But listening in the meeting today, the big book promised that fear of people and of economic insecurity will fall by the wayside if you follow the program. So that’s what I want. So that’s what I’ll have. At this point though, I cannot lie, I am terrified as all hell.
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