ON INTERNAL WORK — And Distractions.


Reflection from June 9th, 2008 @ Age 26


Well, I emailed John and said I felt like he ditched me to hang out with April and that it didn’t feel good and he wrote back and apologized and now things are good as new.  Did you see how furious I was though?  How angry and consequently how mean I became when I was hurting?!  Such awful emotional things happen to a person when they’re already hurting, it’s such a shame.  I guess the human being hasn’t evolved enough yet to figure that one out yet, huh? 

I wrote Bobby yesterday and told him it feels good getting emails from friends, but it feels a special kind of good getting emails from him, and that I was Bobby-starved, hence the impatience.  Which is pretty funny because my brother wrote me an email today explaining why he was so tired, saying in closing “hence the tiredness”.  Are we related or what?!  Anyways, I want more of Bobby.  I’m afraid to call Bobby because what if we have nothing to say to one another?  Then I guess I just wouldn’t call him again.  I have a feeling our sexual tension will shine on through into sexy prose.  So, I’m officially making it a goal to call Bobby.

Do you know, Jen told me the most hysterical thing the other day.  She wrote me an email and therein proclaimed that if there’s one thing to remember about Bobby, it’s that he’s lazy.  She said his laziness is just who he is and it’s what makes him endearing.  She also said I shouldn’t read too much into Bobby’s lack of response elasticity because although he is lazy, that doesn’t necessarily indicate how he feels.  Is she a good friend or what?!  Telling me all what I want to hear and such.  She said in closing that I will prolly have to put more effort in if I want things to work.  Which got me to thinking if I want things to work.  Which got me to wondering, what are these things that I would be working on?  Well obviously these things would be these feelings that I have for Bobby, and my relationship with Bobby.  I don’t know if I want them to work out.  I mean at first thought I do in an exasperating kind of way.  But then I think maybe not, because my feelings for Bobby still scare me.  I want to get past this fear because I anticipate a goldmine is hiding underneath.