Reflection from November 1st, 2012 @ Age 31


I just had the strangest dream.  I was with Eminem and two of his guy “friends,” who kind of reminded me of the guys from Entourage that were that one guy’s friends (the one with the curly black hair, his friend Turtle—and then one other who I knew was there, but never saw his face).  We were at a McDonald’s and taking turns going into the bathroom…(I’ve been reading through my June 2011 journals—the ones with Eminem which I shared with April.  Err…one of them anyways, which she said was so funny—because he would appear in really deep thoughts I was writing out at the time about having a family and kids ;0)

So strange!  Makes me so happy—this dream, and I don’t know why because I dislike strongly that drugs were involved.  The sweet, happy ending though.  It makes me so happy.  So, we’ll see what it all means next year ;0)

Ohh and I got a fortune last night from Pei Wei with Mama—she chose and hers was pretty stupid, but mine…

Good news of long-awaited

Event will arrive soon.


…and to do something with drugs—I know there was a liquid one and one that came in little pellets, like the little pellets that used to be in my Focalin pills.

Anyways, it was the strangest thing.  “Turtle” went in first and did it, whatever we were supposed to be doing—and it wasn’t like Eminem was forcing us to do it, but it was like Turtle wasn’t really all that happy to be doing it.  So anyway, for some reason Turtle wasn’t happy when he came out—he was in there for a very long time and I can’t remember that I saw him specifically when he came out, but I know I didn’t shortly after because he told us that he was pissed that he had to clean up diarrhea in the bathroom before he could get the drugs ready to go.

So then, it’s my turn to go into the bathroom and get the drugs ready.  They’re already in there somewhere, I can’t remember where—but I know they are in there and that I have to get the liquid into a vial, put the pellets into the liquid, and do it pretty quick and then get the hell out and go sit in the car (how weird!).  So, I go in and then for some reason, I have to clean up diarrhea too—except I know it’s mine, but I did not ever squirt it out (excuse the disgusting imagery).

So anyway, I clean it up and then I go to the sink which has a middle drawer like my big desk does—the one where I run my laptop cord through, so I can power my computer up.  And I pull out the drawer and do what I’m supposed to be doing with the drugs, put the liquid in the vial and I remember I was getting pretty nervous about it, real anxious—and so I decide it would be a good idea to put it up my vagina (eww!  Sorry again!).  And so it was like I did, but I didn’t at the same time—but I can’t remember where I would have put it had I not (i.e. in my purse, etc.).  And I walk out, wishing I would have had duct tape to wrap around it to make sure the top didn’t come off in there (my vagina.  Eww!).

So anyways, I come out of the bathroom and I see Eminem, and then it was like—kind of like my fears all kind of melted away for the most part, and I felt real comfortable, and kind of like I was in love with him.  Eminem, I mean.  And, I remember I didn’t know for sure—but he treated me very gently and kindly and I remember knowing deep down, he was in love with me too.  So then I walked out to the car to wait, and I can’t recall whether he walked out with me or not—I do not think he did.  And, I cannot remember if Turtle was out there in the car too—I don’t know that he was.  And then it ended, but it was like it was a very soft, gentle ending—kind of like the screen faded out and melted away, but in a way that made me really happy.

And then I woke up and heard Dietrich whine real softly at first, and then start barking his cute little bark, so I got up and brought my paper journal downstairs with me and a pen so I could start recalling right away—because I know these dreams are always for some reason super relevant, even though I can’t figure them out at the time, later, they are always so relevant.  And later, I can always interpret them so easily—from a distance I can, but not while I’m up close and in the middle of whatever I am going through.  So there you have it!  That’s it!  Have a wonderful rest of the night ’til morning time ;0)

Ohh yeah, one more thing!  So Adam, I told him Sunday night that I did not want to speak with him, because it hurt me every time I spoke with him because he had more “distance” from “us” than did I—and that it hurt me every time he said something that evidenced that, and I didn’t want to hurt anymore.  I said that after I wished him a Happy Double-Lung Transplant Anniversary No.2, and don’t you know he sent me an email—I just saw it when I looked for the time on my phone to see what time D was getting me up.  And there it was, and I opened it up, and it was about my stuff—the rest of my stuff being packed up, and how he was sorry to contact me about “business,” but he wanted to finish up the “stuff” stuff without the attorneys getting involved (nice) (I’d assume he wants to avoid the expense of it).  So, he said I could come get the stuff tomorrow morning (i.e. this morning—he wrote that at 11:20pm last night), or said he’s leaving tomorrow (i.e. today) and will be out of town for the weekend—all fucking weekend, and that we could do it next week if I preferred that instead.

I’m so annoyed with him.  I don’t even want to speak with him.  To disregard my wishes to save fucking money.  He can go to hell—I told him it hurts me.  He asked how I was doing and how my mom was doing—but how can I assume that is anything more than at the beginning of his email, to lead into the question that will save him money if I respond.  What an asshole.  And then, here’s silly little me—ohh naïve stupid Marissa, who wants so badly to believe that he wrote because he just wanted a reason to contact me.  Fuck him.

So anyways, that happened—I got the email right when I woke up, before I took D out to go potty.  But, I wanted to get my Eminem story out—I thought it must be chalked full of meaning (hopefully…well, hopefully good meaning anyways—given the soft, gentle ending), and because my writing is so much more important to me than Adam will ever be.  I’m not going to write him back beforehand—maybe sometime next week, but not beforehand.  I will admit, I was kind of excited to see an email from him—but disappointed all over again that it was just him trying to save money, him trying to manipulate me to save himself money.  Against my wishes, no doubt.  What an asshole.

Now D’s sleeping on a pillow on the bed in my “office” at Mom and Dad’s house—looking at me with sad puppy eyes as if to say, “I wish you would come be with me, I want you to come be with me.”  And now he’s sleeping, but just squinted open his right eye to see me looking at him.  Have to go ;0)

Don’t want to keep him waiting ;0)

All my love to you…except that which is reserved for Dietrich!


It’s so aggravating sometimes, to be naturally beautiful.  I don’t even really get what that means most of the time, even though apparently I am it.  I’m always wanting to tease my hair at the roots or curl it, put lots of eye shadow on and extend my eyeliner to Africa and back.  But as Adam told me all the time, and John, and now this afternoon, my Mom—I am most beautiful naturally, without doing anything.  Seems so wonderful, huh?!  I’m sure it is…

It’s nice to know at least for sure, that I will be at my most, most beautiful when I become a Mama ;0)