Reflection from March 22nd, 2013 @ Age 31
RE: FINDING COMPETENT MENTAL-HEALTH MEDICAL TREATMENT AND LEARNING THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THOUGHTS IN YOUR HEART VS. THOUGHTS IN YOUR HEAD.
Cooper filed a subpoena today. I don’t really know what that means. Maybe I should cause I’m a lawyer, but I don’t, so fuck you. Now that I’ve been trying to share my writing more, I know that’s a line I’ll wish later that I’d never wrote. But hopefully not. By the time I get around to reading today’s entry, hopefully I’ll be over that little “should” routine again (for like, the millionth time). I just feel so tired. I just wish the “command” key on this Mac was in the place where it is on the PCs, is all. Well that and few other things, but that’s the easiest to describe. Hah ;0)
I saw a new doctor yesterday. I cried the whole way home too. It’s cause I was so relieved to actually hear a doctor say “I can help you”. He took blood work to check my serotonin levels and dopamine levels and other ones too. And then also, he took genetic testing from swabbing the inside of my gum to check out the levels of my enzymes, what’s going on in my liver and all. So that was all very exciting because I was also able to get it all done right there, no waiting or nuthin’. Well, I had to wait an hour to see the doc, but if he can help, then who cares.
Anyways, I think I mentioned earlier perhaps that Cooper filed a subpoena today. My attorney seems to think it will be to Gordon regarding my decrease in income as of January 1st of this year. So that should be interesting. We’ll see. I’m so over this stupid divorce by now. It’s such a fucking drag I can’t even begin to explain to you.
I try to not think negative thoughts, but it’s so hard sometimes. I try not to think about the fact that I’m almost 32 years old, living with my parents, getting a divorce (i.e. no boyfriend, fiancé, husband or babies anywhere in the near future). The fact that I have no friends, I try not to think about that. The fact that my life feels like an entire waste unless I do something really important to help save this world so very much curtailing towards evil every second that I sit here typing. I try not to think about my fear that I promoted evil, albeit from within my naïve vulnerability, but nonetheless, kept an evil spirit alive in this world, one more alive that was supposed to be dead. What if I did that and screwed up the whole fucking balance of good and evil in this world? I mean really, what if?! It frightens me a little. I don’t know, it just makes me feel really fucking bad. I feel so used. I feel betrayed, but I think the worse of the two is feeling so used. I feel used up.
I mean, I know that I’m not. I know this is all in my head and that I have so much more to give and that my life has lots of meaning blah, blah, blah. But what good is knowing in my head when I cannot feel in my heart? Or when I am feeling in my heart and the feeling does not match what’s going on in my head. I mean, I guess that’s one of the problems that all people have, not just bipolars, so…I don’t know where I was going with that.
I just feel deflated and used up and sad and lonely, and people are tired of it and they are tired of me. And while they might not say that to your face, you can see it in their eyes and hear it in their nonchalant, passive-aggressive pleas to talk about something else, anything else but about mental illness or the divorce. Come to think of it, I myself am pretty sick of talking about mental illness, and also the divorce too. It’s just hard to stop it though, when even if I’m tired about it, but the pain from neither has yet found a way to escape me. Or I have not found a manner by which to exorcise it. Yet.