LEARNING ABOUT THE MEANING — Behind The Mirror.

Reflection from May 5th, 2012 @ Age 30

RE:  THE PAINFUL LIGHT OF REALITY REFRACTING BACK INSIDE OF ME.

Well, I just sent Katie Vitale a message on Facebook, as I was thinking of her since reading the entries I had written in 2000 and 2009 in which I had mentioned her.  I spent probably 40 minutes crafting three stupid sentences to send her…you know I just want to lay it all out and tell her I regret losing our friendship blah blah blah (sometimes), but turns out there’s no easy way to say that in a manner that seems like it would be at least somewhat appropriate.  At least, as of right now.  So anyways, I just sent the silly three sentences that I did come up with, and then I remembered something as I was listening through the playlist I just finalized for the thematic development for Beauty.

I was just remembering how, a pretty good while after I had moved on from the YMCA, I saw Katie in a record store over by Belden Village Mall in North Canton.  I think I was home from college on a break, so it must have been winter of 1999.  I remember I had my mom’s navy blue pea coat on, and my red Express sweater with the poinsettias on it underneath, though now that I mention it, I’m not sure why in the world I remember those details.  Hmm.  Anyways, it was kind of gray, no it was really gray and just plain gloomy.  And it was so cold outside that day, one of those winter days you walk outside and the air just bites at you.  Well on this particular day I had wandered into a good ol’ used record store, always in need of cash, to sell some of my CD collection I’d inherited from my father.

And I don’t know, I guess there’s not much to this story.  It’s just I remember when I saw her standing there, and I remember feeling so goddamn sad it just made me ache inside.  I’m not exactly sure why I’m belaboring the point, I really have to get downstairs and go out with Adam, but I was just thinking about it, and I’m pretty sure it struck me for this reason…

I think that was the first time I truly realized what it meant to have a best friend turn into a stranger.  I remember saying hi, and I looked at her, and we didn’t have anything to say to one another.  And I just remember thinking when I left the store, as I walked through the door and out into the cold gray world, I remember wondering what in the world she must have seen as she looked back at me.