Reflection from April 16th, 2008 @ Age 26
RE: THE MONOTONY OF LONELINESS.
Well I think I’m for surely cycling now because today I could kill myself out of sheer boredom. I feel fucking bored out of my mind. Everything is just bore bore bore. Also, I’m irritated with just about everyone in my life right now and I feel like life is never going to get better—I keep hoping for more to get through now, but I’m not sure more is ever going to come. I push on, I push on, I’ve pushed on for so fucking long—I want to know when more comes. I want a fucking date. I want to know down to the second when more is going to come and be enough already, because otherwise I’m not sure I can stand this fucking life one day more.
The monotony is killing me. Get up, eat your breakfast, put your hair in curlers, get dressed, put your makeup on, take your hair out of curlers, drive to work, work, work, work, drive home from work, eat dinner, write, write, write, take off my eye makeup, wash my face, shampoo my hair, shave my legs etc., wash out the shampoo, condition my hair, wash my body, wash out the conditioner, dry off, put on face lotion, put on chapstick, put on deodorant, condition my hair again, lotion up my body, go to bed, wake up, repeat. It’s killing me. I need some excitement but there is none to be found.
I feel alone. I know I have people who love me, but nonetheless I feel alone. I feel pointless. Everything feels pointless and the good does not seem to justify the endless aching that is life. Everyone around me has good news, such good news—everyone around me is happy and fulfilled and their lives are moving forward and my life is standing still.
I’m getting stale is what I’m doing. I have lost 25 pounds in the last eight months. That’s something. But what good is being thin and beautiful if you can’t show it? What’s the point in being beautiful and having character if no one can tell? To know in your heart? Don’t you give me that bullshit tonight. If my dreams come true I think I’ll fall over and die from sheer disbelief. I’m just not sure this is a world made for dreamers. Honestly, if natural selection were to have not been fucked up by human beings—I would have been dead a long time ago. Anyways, I’m rambling, I’m sighing. I’m going to…write, you guessed it. Blah blah blah…