Reflection from August 6th, 2007 @ Age 26


I just woke up with the worst pain in my heart, I think, perhaps, since it was broken by David.  Charity, of all people, was dating Danny, and she told me Danny didn’t like me anymore for some reason or another, and then I dragged Bella out with me and we were at a party with her stupid lacrosse friends who were smoking right in front of me and knew I wanted to and talked about how they don’t even like smoking.  While smoking mind you, passing it back and forth right in front of me, but refusing to offer.  Teasing me, on purpose, if you will.

Then, we left and passed Danny’s dorm where he was out partying and I realized partying and being out and being seen by others was more important to him than being with and loving me.  Which stung.  And the topper was we went back to my old apartment at Coventry which was now three stories or something and Catherine Stewart was living there with Steve, which stung.  But not only that…it was all decorated nicer than I ever was able to do (prolly a mere result of money but whatever) which also stung, and for whatever reason we were staying there sleeping on the floor.  And my heart was aching in ways I could not comprehend.  Not my physical heart, but my heart of hearts.

I want to be careful of these highs…even the natural ones.  Because the highs inevitably come first and the equally intense, if not more, lows come second without doubt.  But then sometimes I just don’t want to be careful.  I want to feel all there is to be felt and not always have to be on the lookout, protecting my heart.

A balance between the two, I suspect, is the answer for me.  But just as it was on the beam, balance is a difficult skill to master my friend.  All this pain, it’s left me weak this morning.  But I’ll tell you, in light of all the pain, I was thankful this morning that it led me to feel compassion for those who I may have caused pain for.  And for that matter, all of my brothers and sisters who feel pain and who suffer just as I.  It is a link with which I may connect with others and not merely an agent of isolation anymore.


Ohh boy lot’s going on.  I don’t even know where to start!  But I suppose I’ll begin with what’s most exciting for me at the moment…what’s going to keep me up all night, what’s got me high without the aid of any substance, what seems to be FDC.  Well I befriended Ryan Conery from high school on MySpace awhile ago, maybe a month or so ago.  Anyways…I sent him a message a few weeks earlier and just noticed yesterday that it never was sent as it was not in my inbox.  So anyways, I sent him a new message today and he wrote me with his email and I emailed him and he emailed back with his cell number! 

So now I’ve butterflies in my stomach and I’m wondering if it is not love, or if it is a false alarm?  Well anyway you see it…I’m going to visit JenJen not this weekend but next (as of today) and Ryan will be there so I’m planning on letting him know tomorrow when I have more energy and can think of something clever to say along with it. 

Anyways my heart is a’flight at the moment and I wonder if this isn’t FDC and perhaps David, helping me out, setting me up, helping me back onto my own two feet and providing me with someone to love, someone who will and wants to take care of me as I want and deserve and who is capable of loving me as I want and need to be loved. 

Or perhaps I’m looking way too far into this and it is a false alarm.  Or perhaps it’s meant to be.  Maybe it’s an ill-informed hunch…but maybe, just maybe it’s love.  Love, and I know it because I know of these things.  Maybe I’m setting myself up here for doom.  Maybe I’ve been fucked from the start.  Or maybe everything is as it should be and all is right with the world after all.  Either way, I think I’ll take the night to revel in this newfound love and excitement.

It would certainly be ironic if Dave’s death led me to be open to MySpace, which led me to Ryno, which led me to apologize for blowing him off when he visited Denison senior year and I said I’d be around, which led us to converse, which led to my renewed interest in moving to and working in DC, which further led me to Ryan, Dave’s best friend, which turned out to be the love of my life.  It would certainly be ironic, wouldn’t it?  Either way, I think I’ll be brave this time and put myself out there and see what happens, with Ryan that is.  I’m already terribly nervous over it…but I think in a butterflies-in-my-stomach, it-might-be-love, FDC kind of way. 

You’ll be just fine my love!  I promise!  Plus he’s got to be at least as nervous as you…right?!  Who knows?!  All’s I know is I have a feeling about this…that for whatever reason it turns out to be…that this meeting is meant to happen.