Reflection from March 17th, 2008 @ Age 26
RE: DISCOVERING MYSELF NOW, SO MY ABILITY TO DO SO IS NOT LOST IN THE INFINITE FUTURE (I.E. THE TOMORROW THAT NEVER COMES…).
I’ve been having some trouble with anxiety lately and as I remember from therapy, they had told me that really other people couldn’t care less what you’re doing. I think this might be true for most, and I think it is true for myself most of the time, but I cannot rid myself of the nagging feeling that it is less true for myself than for others.
I was speaking with Kayleigh’s brother-in-law the other day at the shower. He asked me how I was doing and I said I was doing alright, and I told him about work and the bar and he asked where I lived and I said where I live and he said “huh, I would have pegged you for a city girl.” Well I said “I would’ve too, and probably will be once I’ve got some of this damn student debt paid off!” It’s always funny though, to learn of the impressions that other people glean from you. I asked him how he was doing and he said alright. He said his two kids were a bit more than he and his wife would like sometimes, but that they were making it and doing alright. Which reminded me of the immense responsibility being a really great parent imposes.
I believe that when I become a parent, the time I now have to discover myself will be erased and rather reallocated to helping my children find their selves. Unless of course I can make a living off of writing fulltime. I cannot think of a job more flexible than that of a writer’s without any immediately reoccurring deadlines. Just another reason why I want so badly to be a writer. But anyhow, Kayleigh’s brother-in-law, I know loves his kids in one day more than most parents love their children in a lifetime, and he shows his love for his kids as well—most notably through his exemplified patience and understanding. But it just reminded me that now is the time for me to explore and figure out who it is that I am, because this time will not last forever, and if I don’t find that out now, it will only become more difficult to do so later. I cherish this time because I’m getting closer and closer to defining exactly who it is that I am. I’m taking my beautiful self and I am discovering her through thought and word. I am discovering myself now, for I don’t want to be one of those people who grow up and realize they’ve lost themselves far back along the winding way.