ON BEING – A Monkey in America’s Jungle Gym ;0)

Reflection from June 26th, 2005 @ Age 24


People pray in any number of forms. Some sit, some kneel, some close their eyes, some look up at the sky, some talk out loud, some repeat phrases, so I suppose god prolly wouldn’t mind if I wrote out my prayers. I’m finding it very difficult to find this connection with my higher power. It’s like I feel like I don’t know how to believe in something I cannot understand or grasp onto.

This frustrates me as I feel like I am getting nowhere in AA and my spiritual, social and emotional growth. But then if I really think about it, I’ve only really been “in” the program since April or May of this year. So my sobriety date is 4/17/2005 so I am an AA infant still. Missy Marissy you are only two months and nine days old in AA. And in emotional terms you’re 13. And in intellectual academia you are 24. How messed up is that? How could that be just the way it was supposed to be for me? God, please help me to understand somehow, and help me to find you, to establish our connection. And oh please help me to live with the pain.

It’s been awful being around people I don’t know or don’t know well at meetings. I feel so anxious there even though I know how ridiculous my thought process is. Because you see, I get anxious when I am around people because I feel like they are watching me, and judging every single itty-bitty detail about me. It’s awful. And it has a paralyzing effect in which I do whatever I have to do to either look normal and to not cause a scene or draw any attention to myself or get the fuck out ASAP. But I hate how uncomfortable I am around people! If things don’t go just right, flow just perfectly, then I get all uncomfortable and feel like I should know how to facilitate the moment, which makes me even more anxious and wouldn’t you know it’s just a downward spiral from there.

And how self-centered am I, thinking everyone drops everything when I walk in a room just so they all can focus their entire attention on me? You know what that makes me think of here and now though? All those wretched gymnastics competitions I dreaded being in. Now why in the world, god, would I go and do something like that to myself? Maybe it was the only way I could think of to achieve complete social isolation. Maybe it was so I would keep away from drugs and alcohol and rather learn self-discipline at such a young and tender age. Maybe it was so I could make it through high school okay so I could get into college, which ultimately led me to JenJen and Danielle and Jes and philosophy and Bonar and law school.

Maybe my years of emotional and social and even spiritual stunting and retardation were meant to be. I don’t have eyes to see into the future, I barely have eyes to see past myself let alone all the people, places and things in this world, and how they all interact just so to create this reality in space and time. I exist within this reality within space and time. I just cannot even begin to comprehend that. It’s so huge it’s just infinitely beyond my comprehension. And nevertheless, here I am. A legit part of this space and time experiment.

What’s it all for? What’s it all about? I need to get out of this culture and socio-class and see how everything would be different if god just picked me up and dropped me anywhere else on this earth. I need to develop eyes that are larger than myself. I can only do that if I am willing to be open and honest. Is the way to do that to learn to separate my brain from my emotions when my emotions are too overwhelming for me to handle though? Maybe if I sit down and write a list of facts, of what I know is true and perhaps also what I don’t know is true, I will be able to do that.

Please god, help me to find my way. Help me learn to live and to be okay with my entire range of feeling and emotion. Please help me crack open my heart and clear away the wreckage from these walls. Please help me to be human, to quit pretending I should be able to be you and have all the answers. Please help me to be open to the pain and to the love. Please help me to find myself and to figure out my way so that I can carry out your will. And see there…

I don’t even know if what I just said is still bargaining! I don’t know how to pray to you and I don’t know if I should even be asking you for anything I feel like. Whatever I do I am being selfish and bad. So I will feel that and see what happens. Thank you for this beautiful day and for me and my family and friends and all that I have.