RE:  Depression – as justified by this so-seriously-screwed-up U.S. financial infrastructure — and learning what I can do, to make a difference here.

WRITTEN – 11/15/2007 @ AGE 26

Well, I find myself now gainfully employed and without the apartment problem and on a new drug that seems like it might help, once I am able to up the dosage (which takes a long extensive period of six weeks to get up to my final dosage), but things are definitely improving.  I’ve been terribly depressed the past few days, but found trying when it comes to explicating myself.  I think a large part of it is the fact that money, even if just a mediate amount, enough to pay bills and have a reliable car (which, at the moment, I’ve found that I don’t, but that’s a whole other story), I don’t know, it just depresses the hell out of me that money can buy happiness, even if it’s just to an extent, to a point of diminishing returns.

And I think of all the people out there that aren’t educated past high school, and I know there are a lot of people churning in and pumping out of colleges in the US, but I know there have to be at least as many people that are not – I think about how the fuck they are supposed to live off a minimum wage that pays $6.55/hour.  I don’t even have to do the math to tell you there is no fucking way you could afford housing, a reliable car, car insurance, health insurance, housing insurance, food, clothing, and the other necessities of life on a 40-hour workweek, working for $6.55/hour.  It just depresses the hell out of me and I know I can’t make changes, I can’t change the situations of all these people at once, nor can I change the situations of any of these people right now – hell, I can barely pay my own bills right now, which don’t even include housing or a car payment, but do include educational bills out the fucking wahzoo.  I’m not entirely sure that’s a word, but it seems to fit so what the hell.

I’m still feeling very angry that some people have all this money to dispose of for fun, however they please, when other people are suffering immediately, right now, this very fucking second, terribly, and these other people with money are just not willing to help.  They’re too busy riding their fucking boats and horses, they’re too busy drinking and smoking and dining out and wearing fantastic clothing to notice or care.  It makes me so angry, but then I think about what I’ll do with my money when I have money to dispose of as I please, and I wonder if I will get wrapped up in the fantasies of life, traveling and vacationing and buying designer clothing and all that bullshit, I wonder if that too will hold my addiction.  I want to say it won’t, but the conflicting part is that I can’t promise that I won’t.  I just cannot bring myself to say, I won’t.  Because in all honesty, I just don’t know what I will do.

I have been thinking about AA lately, and think I am at the point where I can begin to look for a meeting in the area that I like and can attend regularly.  I think that’s next on the list.  But as far as therapy goes, I honestly feel like I am good to go.  I feel like I have the tools to be happy if I want to be, but I feel like I have so much to learn still just about the way that the world works and I think that in some, in many ways, this world is still very much so a depressing place, and I think that there is reason that I am sometimes very much so depressed by it and by the actions of my fellow human beings.  But I also feel like I must be very careful in assessing fault in them, for how can I be a judge when I too am so very conflicted in almost every way?

Life is confusing and gray as can be, and decisions are made in moments of desperation every day, so how could I rightly hold other people responsible, at least in general, when I myself find life so damn confusing?  I cannot.  And I must continue to forgive in order to maintain my soft loving heart.  That’s something I learned from therapy – invaluable advice.  The thing is, I have the tools, now it’s becoming more about learning how to use and apply them than anything else.  And waiting for the drugs to kick in – can’t forget about that.  Isn’t it so ironic that in order to get me “off drugs” they have to put me on other drugs?  Ohh the world is so full of painful irony, I can hardly fucking stand it most of the time.

Anyways, I’m feeling better right now, almost manic-y in a way – I truly think it’s going to take suffering through this time for to reach the relief promised by this new drug.  All I can tell you is that it’s a drug having been used for a long time on bipolar patients (or so my doctor tells me), and that is costs me $25/month instead of $300/month.  That’s all I can tell you…so I wait, and I suffer, but my suffering brings me closer to my purpose in the meantime, it brings me closer to all the children that suffered and are suffering just as I did, with no support in this cold lonely world, and it reminds me in a time of wanting to kill myself, of the true purpose of my existence.  I want to learn more about politics and I want to be an advocate for suffering children and those who suffer from mental illness, I want to speak out about the stereotypes surrounding mental health issues, I want to speak out about preventative health care plans, I want so very much to change this world and make it a better place and to be one good person living here on Earth – one conscious person who cares and wants to make a difference.

I read about Calista Flockhart this evening and was truly inspired.  She is 43 and looks like she’s in her early 30s maybe, which I only bring up because I’ve had the looking-young-syndrome all my life and have a hunch that I too will follow in her footsteps in that regard.  But she’s donated and worked with charities and she adopted a son at the age of 37 and she met and began dating Harrison Ford at the age of 38, and she just seems so happy and at peace, and what the hell can I tell by reading her bio on the internet you know?  But all the same, she just seems like another one of those persons who struggles through life at a young age and finds peace and happiness and serenity at an older age, rather than the all-the-more-common reverse scenario, and she thereby inspired me to trudge on forward today.

I tell you what, I can feel the bipolar more than ever because I’ve been suicidal for days now, and yet tonight I can honest to god feel my true meaning and purpose.  It’s an excruciating way to live, I feel like I have tremors in my heart when I see and think of the pain and suffering of others, and my own pain and suffering.  But the crazy part is that, in that very suffering is where I find my purpose in this world.  How can the most terrible of things in this lifetime bring also the most meaning?  It’s just another cruel irony of living a conscious life of a human being, I tell you.  It’s completely excruciating.  I feel much lack of sleep coming forth…I’m on a high again, ohh god help me.

And here’s one more thing I had to log back on to tell you before this here night and my own thoughts dissipate into darkness…

I know with all my heart tonight, that I don’t have to be famous and I don’t have to be rich and I don’t have to be in a large metropolitan city to make a big difference in this world.  I can make a huge difference to improve the lives of many from right here in Columbus, Ohio, if only I can find the courage to venture outside of these suburban doors and find people who also too, care to make a difference.

I want to help children get the support they need – mental, emotional, physical, educational, all aspects.  I want to advocate for the rights of those who suffer from mental health issues.  I want to adopt a child later in life.  I want to find my soulmate, and allow myself the time to develop enough to know what my “soulmate” really means.  I want to work and love with other people to make a positive difference in the reality of others and in the reality of my self.  I want to love on a large-scale basis, and make friends and figure out how to enjoy life.  I do not believe that this is outside of my grasp.  I just think that the world is terribly large and complex and overwhelming, and it seems to me that the brighter an individual you are, the more overwhelming those factors become.  Unless of course you fall into addiction and/or out of consciousness – I’d like to avoid those things from now on if at all possible.  So it looks like I’ve worked hard for so long, but have a long, long way to go.  I believe with all my heart in this very moment though, that the wait will not be in vain.

P.S. — I must tell you about the comments Gordon made the other day at work about a “crazy” client who is supposedly bipolar.  I’m sure he meant nothing by it, and that his viewpoint would be changed in ways to be told if and when he finds out about my own particular circumstances; but it’s interesting all the same.  All the misconceptions there are, there are so many traps in this world, so many mental traps to fall into, I can barely stand it much of the time.

P.P.S. — I want to write.  I want to write to my heart’s content because I want to form the story of a young woman who many a time lost her way, and was severely challenged to find support in this world and who lost all hope and faced complete cynicism of this world, and then found her way home.  I do not think that my journey is without merit; I do not believe my efforts are in vain.  But that’s just this moment – ask me tomorrow and the story may be the difference between night and day.  Only time I suppose, shall tell, in the end.